Thursday Thirteen: Thirteen things you should do to peeve off readers of your blog. Because readers aren’t everything…
1. Make sure you have a bunch of ads appearing on top of the screen, before they even see a first post. Make them EARN the right to see your greatness.
2. Don’t add a link back to your home/ front page. Really, once they’ve clicked away what do you need them back for?
3. Make sure you show them how much you value them as paying customers. Write “Your Ad Here” all over your blog.
4. Use pop up ads. That will really get their attention, they won’t forget you any time soon. Might even tell a few friends.
5. Make them register to see your site. Think of all the email addresses you can snag that way.
6. Use word verification for any comments they try to make. Make sure it’s in some kind of really tiny (or script) font so it won’t be too easy to read. As an added bonus choose colours like blue on black, or something people who are colour blind or otherwise disabled can’t see. That will spare you from all that reader feedback.
7. Put your Google and Alexa rank in prominent places on your blog. Show off your best achievements. Make lots of posts about your blog traffic, your blog stats and how much money your blog is going to make. People just can’t read enough of that.
8. Run at least one long ad down your sidebar with a graphic that flashes and spins and possibly causes seizures in some people. Just plain motion sickness in others.
9. Add videos and music files that will take at least 15 minutes to load for anyone with a less than great Internet connection.
10. Forget all that spelling and grammar and punctuation from school. It’s much more fun to make your own rules and let them figure it out.
11. Run paid ads as regular posts make it sound like you sincerely use the product and fully love it, don’t let on that you’ve been paid for your opinion and your post. Why spoil it for them?
12. Every now and then, just to shake things up, get an ad that takes over your blog. The kind that loads your blog partly and then changes to another page over your blog which is, of course, just a huge ad. This works really well if it’s an adult ad.
13. Run groupings of text link ads between your blog posts. Just like flossing your teeth, it gives your blog readers that little something extra.
14. (An added bonus) Put up an ad for one of those contests they have already won that sends them off to a second site which collects their email and cell phone number. By the time they actually win a free gift card for $5 they’ve given away enough information about themselves to have their identity stolen. All thanks to you, I’m sure that $5 will come in handy.
15. (Another addition) Run something that causes every fifth word in your post to become a hyper link which sends readers to some spam search engine or other junk or sales stuff they don’t want. This is great camouflage for your real links, no one needed to find those anyway.
Finally, good luck. Get more ideas by looking at other blogs. They’re out there!