I’ve had sites up for more than ten years, more than a dozen years. In all that time my family showed little interest and never read anything. Maybe there was the odd skim if they remembered the link somehow. I never thought about what I was posting very much because it was all like writing a note to just myself anyway.
Now that has changed. People (my Mother and sister-in-law) have been reading what I write. My Mom even leaves the odd comment. That is ok. It is here, in public after all. But, it changes everything. Not in the way that I edit what I write about anyone else because I don’t write about family or friends much at all. In my mind this is another world from all of that. It does mean I’m getting feedback which I never asked for or really thought about.
It all changes when someone else sits in judgement on you. Let’s not pretend there isn’t judgement. Because there is. In my family it is all about competition, winning and who is on top. I don’t live that way, well, I have tried not to. Mainly because I am always on the bottom. I feel like I’m in a bottomless pit at times and that isn’t all bad. Without a bottom are you ever really on the bottom? Pretty good, eh?
Anyway, it is too bad that this has all changed from freewriting to unfreewriting at just the time I am working on fixing myself and actually making some progress. Slow progress. Bittersweet progress and sometimes I feel like I’m just stepping into hotter water, but it’ all in the name of progress.
I’m not asking or expecting anyone to stop reading. There is only one way to prevent that and I don’t want to make this a private site. That was never what I wanted. This has been an outlet into the great, wide world for me. I’m not much of a talker in person. So this was such a nice random, free and risky way to be out in the world without having to change out of my nightgown even. Online, no one can see you haven’t even brushed your hair yet.
I’m going to keep writing but I am going to expect people to keep their judgement in line. I don’t expect anyone to read here or ask for comments about what I think, what I have done in the past or what I may do in the future. I have not caused intentional harm to anyone. I work at being a good person and I am the only one who decides what that means for me. I write some adult content, I like some adult things… I’m almost 50 and I can make those choices for myself.
Anyway, this is only here. I won’t be talking to anyone about this post. Family can read it, make their judgements and their own choices. There will, however, be no discussion about this post, posts in the past or those in the future. If you read here understand that this is personal, yet available for public consumption because that is my choice. I write about stuff but I do not choose to talk about it.