Shrinking Woman and the Pirate King

You shrink yourself accidentally, sort of. You did invent a great shrinking ray which will make so much change for the moving industry for one. Just think how much easier it will be to move all your stuff if you can shrink it to fit into your purse.

Anyway, you were tinkering around with the shrinking ray machine when it went off. Sure you should have put on the safety off switch but, you didn’t. Now you’re shrunk. About the height of a dust bunny, a small one.

Not much you can do but wait for it to wear off. If it does. Your laboratory assistant is away for the weekend so you really only have to last until she comes back.

It’s really interesting wandering around your laboratory and then the rest of the house. It sounds silly to say everything looks so much different now it really does! Amazingly so. Stuff you took for granted stands out like skyscrapers. Plus, you really should do a lot more dusting, floor sweeping and such. To get away from the thick dust in one area under a chest of drawers you wander into a paper airplane you had long forgotten, dropped down behind the drawers.

Wouldn’t it be cool if you could fly now? See the world from the wings of a paper airplane, blowing along in the wind, dodging birds and eventually falling into the sea to be waterlogged and saved by a Pirate King the size of a flea. Oh the adventures you can dream up living as a woman the size of a breadcrumb…

Where I’m From

Originally, this was posted to my personal blog, March 2006. When I came across it as I was looking for something else I decided to check the originating link (still there!) and post it again here. Give it a try. My own original “Where I’m From” follows at the end.

The WHERE I’M FROM Template

I am from _______ (specific ordinary item), from _______ (product name) and _______.

I am from the _______ (home description… adjective, adjective, sensory detail).

I am from the _______ (plant, flower, natural item), the _______ (plant, flower, natural detail).

I am from _______ (family tradition) and _______ (family trait), from _______ (name of family member) and _______ (another family name) and _______ (family name).

I am from the _______ (description of family tendency) and _______ (another one).
From _______ (something you were told as a child) and _______ (another).

I am from (representation of religion, or lack of it). Further description.

I’m from _______ (place of birth and family ancestry), _______ (two food items representing your family).

From the _______ (specific family story about a specific person and detail), the _______ (another detail, and the _______ (another detail about another family member).

I am from _______ (location of family pictures, mementos, archives and several more lines indicating their worth).

Here is Where I’m From:

I am from the land of the red maple leaf, from pine trees and silvery birch trees.

I am from the the house with gardens, the kiddie swing set overlooking the wild, deep ravine below.

I am from the sweet william, the violets, johnny jump ups freshly blooming in Spring.

I am from road trips and laughter with Mom, from The Scherles and the Earles and the Armbrusters too.

I am from the easy going and the endlessly critical.

From “no one will ever want you” and “you can do anything you try”.

I am from Irish Presbyterians and grew into Earth Witchery, with a joy for life and nature.

I’m from the Irish, the German, the Scots, cabbage rolls, homemade buns and Mom’s endless soup variations.

From the armbusters – not too proud to be too honest, the lawmakers – far too proud to be pleasant, but always correct and right and just in their minds.

I am from sisters, a brother, Woodstock green, coffee cups and craftsmanship.

Goldfish are Carnivorous

Goldfish are carnivorous. They make look pretty empty headed, bubble brained and appear to be no threat at all. But, they do eat more than just plants. If you’ve assumed your local goldfish was harmless, you need to rethink things.

Imagine goldfish trained to be aggressive, bloodthirsty even. Someone who is really into weird, macabre stuff has put goldfish in a pond and trained them to eat meat. They begin by throwing in bigger bugs, then the odd chipmunk and then a squirrel. In a few months, just before the end of Autumn when Winter is closing in, the goldfish are tearing chunks of flesh off a side of beef. It’s almost like they have teeth! Kind of sick and twisted.

The goldfish overwinter in their pond as goldfish will. (All of ours survived this year!) But the twisted owner of the goldfish and their pond accidentally falls in when he works at chipping ice away from the top layer. He is almost instantly eaten by the goldfish who have just been waiting for a good meal to end their Winter-long fasting.

The house where the pond is eventually goes up for sale. No one really knows what happened to the owner (or several dogs and cats in the area) but he is assumed to have abandoned the place. So the city claims it and sells it cause it’s a mess and they’d rather not have to bother with it.

The new owner of the property loves fish. He soon realizes all those bones in the bottom of the pond are not just a coincidence, however. Still, he leaves up the signs for “Fluffy” just in case she comes back.

He decides to market the man-eating goldfish. People come from all over to see him drop chunks of meat into the pond and have the goldfish swarm and devour it all. He gets a nice stash of money and builds a nicer house. He even spends a bit on a monument to poor Fluffy who never did come home.

But, goldfish don’t last forever. After ten years there are just three of them left. They have grown to a huge size with appetites to match. He hasn’t had luck saving the fertilized eggs any time they have spawned, they just eat them too quickly. The remaining goldfish can’t be expected to last much longer. Still, the show must go on! So he sets up a new pond and begins training a new batch of goldfish to be man eaters. Of course, it takes time. Evolution can’t be rushed.

However, what he doesn’t realize… the original man eating goldfish feel they are not getting enough to eat, now that he is so busy training new goldfish. So they evolve a bit, just because they can. One night they evolved stronger fins, they push/ pull themselves out of the pond and push/ pull themselves along the grass and push/ pull themselves into his house. They snack on “Rover” and get a few bites of “Hunter” before the dog realizes he can run pretty well with just two and a half legs if he really has to.

For all their evolution with the fin legs, the goldfish still can’t breathe out of water for long. They can smell water in the house so they head for it. In the morning, when the home owner walks into the bathroom he finds them in the toilet bowl. After a little scream of surprise and another gasp of fear and a sigh of resignation, he gives them the big flush. The goldfish circle down the drain, on a roller coaster ride to the sewer system. They live there just fine. They breed cause down there the eggs have lots of debris to float around in, undiscovered by the parent fish.

So now you know… they’re out there.

How would you change the goldfish story? Would you rewrite it entirely with your own ideas or just edit it to add details or humour or better spelling?

The Red Sock Celebration Thing

Celebrations aren’t just for victories. Sometimes you should celebrate just getting out of the house and doing something. When you are having a bad day, feeling ordinary or not even that good, try a pair of red socks. At least that’s what Julia Cameron wrote in Supplies: A Pilot’s Manual for Creative Flight.

“Red socks are a great way to celebrate. It’s hard to be depressed, alienated and serious in a pair of snappy red socks. It’s hard to be self-important and cranky. God probably wears red socks.”

Although I do have quite a selection of socks, not many are red. I do like red shirts, red bedsheets and I have a reddish winter coat (which is getting kind of old and mangy looking). Celebrate or just put yourself back into life by wearing something red. On the days you least feel like wearing red especially, give yourself a pick-me-up in red.

Watering your Fish

Fish like being watered. Not a heavy, hard water but a light, gentle water. They swim all around the water from the hose when I spray them. Just love it! I think someone should design a theme park for goldfish, just those in ponds cause the goldfish in bowls are just too tanked to really appreciate a good theme park.

Plan out a theme park with a lot of water and bubbles (no ducks or raccoons, this isn’t the haunted house after all) for goldfish in a big pond.

Talking to the Peanut Butter Loving Ghost

There’s an odd smell in your house. Like a really strong perfume that almost chokes you with scent. It’s that damned ghost again. She’s likely in the kitchen trying to open the fridge. Silly thing still doesn’t know she’s deceased and can’t eat peanut butter and jam sandwiches any more. She can’t even open the fridge.

You go ahead and make the sandwich, sit at the table while she tries to eat it and then just pretends she is, to humour you. What do you talk about with her?

Weekend Hobbyists Tell All!

I have a fair weather hobby, rural exploration. I take photos of abandoned farm houses here in Ontario. I moderate (somewhat) a group on Flickr, called Ontario Rural Ruins, if you would like a look at the photos from myself and others. Many people look for spookiness and creepy ghostly hauntedness in the houses. People take the photos and add elements to them to bring out a feeling of spookiness even. I don’t see them that way at all. I never go to a house expecting to see anything haunted, though I do believe in ghosts.

The houses appeal to me a on different level. I find them lonely, romantic, mysterious and stoic standing there in all the elements, alone and neglected year after decade. I think it’s something about their stoic disposition that gets to me. Even when the windows are gone and look more like hollow eyes the house still stands. The remnants of old woodwork speak for the past life and love which once were there. The more weathered and seasoned the house appears the more I enjoy walking all around it, looking for spots to photograph. Some photos are of small bits of things but most I take include the whole house, the weeds growing up around it and the lay of the land around it. A house on a hill is especially proud looking, even as it falls apart.

What is your weekend hobby and how would you talk aobut it to others who want to know what you like about it?

Ask Your Grandmother

What would you like to ask your Grandmother? My Grandparents are all gone yet now and then something comes up that I’d like to ask them. Usually about family history or how life was back when they were the young people. I’d like to ask my Grandmother about the house her first husband built her. Where was it cause I’d like to see it, if it’s still standing.

What would you ask your Grandmother , if you could?