Paraprosdokians

This was an email forwarded to my from my Mother today:

PARAPROSDOKIANS

They are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected, and frequently humorous.
Winston Churchill loved them.

1. Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it is still on my list.

3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right – only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. They begin the evening news with ‘Good Evening,’ then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.

9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

10. Buses stop in bus stations. Trains stop in train stations. On my desk is a work station.

11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.

12. In filling out an application, where it says, ‘In case of emergency, notify:’ I put ‘DOCTOR.’

13. I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

17. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

18. Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

19. There’s a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can’t get away.

20. I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not so sure.

21. You’re never too old to learn something stupid.

22. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

23. Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.

24. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

25. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

26. Where there’s a will, there are relatives.

And one more:

I’m supposed to respect my elders, but its getting harder and harder for me to find one now.

From the The Brass Bed Trilogy

The Brass Bed Trilogy | jenniferstevenson.com.

“Some men want a relationship, and they think they know about sex, and they think that should be enough for us. Really they’re desperate, ’cause they don’t have us figured out, and they don’t understand themselves, and sex is easier than love. They’re praying that sex is enough. And it never is.”

I’m surprised at how smart this is. The book itself is pretty silly, I’ve been debating whether or not to read the third book in the series and then this… It really sums up my own observations about men, sex and dating, better than if I had summed it up myself.

If you were writing your best men, dating and sex advice, what would it be?

A Simple Thing I Learned Today from BrandYourself

Have you put your name on your site? Simple, right?

I have my name on my About page. I don’t have it on the main, landing, front page. Not anywhere. I hadn’t even thought about adding it in there. Now it is. Stuck at the bottom, but it exists.

I will work on adding it elsewhere.

Part of the problem is my use of ThatGrrl instead of my name, Laura Brown. When I started online (doing the early form of social media which was more like a dating zoo than anything social) women did not want to broadcast their name, age or location. Men were forever posting “asl?” Well, lets not label all men, it was the horny net geeks who were disguised as men, trolling for women desperately lonely enough to grab their worm… I mean bait. (Yes, that kind of humour was popular then – and it was kind of fun).

Anyway, that is how my name never became my Internet profile name. Instead I used ThatGrrl, most recently. I’ve started using my name, Laura Brown. But, I admit I still feel funny about having it out there.

I do see the sense of it now that I’ve had it pointed out to me. What about you?

Bare Naked Breasts?

How do you feel about the issue of women being topless in public?

The idea comes from men being topless in public and how, if  things are equal, women should be able to choose to do the same rather than being discriminated against. It’s a complicated issue, with more things involved than modesty, traditional values, etc.

I wrote about women having the right to bare their breasts. What would you write about the idea, as both a theory and an issue? Try to think of it from different angles and points of view.

Women Who Think Like a Man

Where did this one start? Some of these Twitter things are too funny. I don’t think this one started out with the intent to be funny, but it is.

What would you post? Consider what we know about how men think. What men think. I’m glad we (woman that I am) don’t think like men.

As an aside, “thinking like men” meaning they have business sense or are cool under pressure or don’t care about things too deeply – whatever spirit this was started with, is not about gender. I know hard-headed business women and I know men who love coming home to their kids and spending time looking after them. People are people, whatever way they put on their pants in the morning.

Afterwards for Valentine’s Day

Valentine’s Day is over for another year. How did you score? Isn’t that a bad way to think of it!

What could be all romance, cuddles and affection has become about retail, shopping and spending. No, I’m not going on a retail rant. I’ve worked retail enough to live and let live. People need to change, if they want to.

But, what did you really want for Valentine’s Day this year? Was it the traditional chocolate and flowers. Did you think about something pretty like jewels or something slinky like erotic lingerie? Maybe you’re more practical and what you really would have liked was a book of poetry? Or a dinner out, a time you can enjoy the meal without the cooking or the clean up.

I would have liked a dinner out. Nothing flashy or fancy. Just a nice meal, conversation and maybe a small surprise gift. I admit I look at the advertising sent out by the jewelry stores at this time of year. I do oogle the pretty, sparkly things. Now and then you see just the ‘right’ brooch. Why doesn’t he just know what you want? Does he need that ESP antennae adjusted again? Is it unfair to men to expect them to know what we want? I don’t really think so. If they listened they would hear us saying we want or need this and that. I don’t mean ordinary things like cooking gadgets or hair dryers or toasters. No, something nice, something that says “You really are my Valentine”.

Helping men shop for Valentine’s Day gift ideas

Of course, it goes both ways. What did you get him for Valentine’s Day? A tie you wish he would wear but know he won’t? A fresh new pair of socks? Undies? It is hard to know what to get a man for something kind of romantic. They pretend they aren’t romantic at all. But, ignore that. The smart woman has paid attention and knows what he needs and would really like to see wrapped up with a red bow….

No, not anything slutty (though we won’t try to pretend that isn’t on his list).

I’ve seen a grown man crack the biggest happy smile when his girlfriend sent him flowers, delivered to his office. Now, if she had asked him if he would like flowers… I’m sure he would have said no, in some nice way. But, actually having them made his day in a big way.

Each guy is different though. Just like we tell them, you have to listen, pay attention. It will come up in conversation, at one time or another.

It helps if you already know what he likes. My husband liked Batman and sort of dark horror like zombies, even before they became popular. So, if I noticed something that would stroke his Batman or zombie fetish, I knew I had something he would like. But, is it romantic to give your husband a T-shirt about brain eating zombies for Valentine’s Day? Well, romance is in the eye of the beholder.

Nowadays, as a single, divorced woman I have a new appreciation for slinky things. Just for myself. I like to look on sites like Ann Summers and window shop. It doesn’t cost me anything. If I were not single I might get the catalogue sent so I could suggestively leave my favourite selections for him to find on his computer keyboard and other places I know he won’t miss them.

I’d really be impressed if a man I was dating bought me a locket or a charm bracelet though. For him to know how much I like traditional, romantic, pretty things – that would be a great Valentine’s Day.

Think about a Valentine gift for a character you have written of the opposite gender. What would your character love for Valentine’s Day, something they would never actually admit for fear of sounding overly mushy, sappy and sensitive?

The Week Behind

We had no furnace for almost a week. A chilly adventure. It’s fixed now, the house didn’t even take very long to warm up. The men were here most of the work day installing a new furnace and the new hot water tank which was required because the old one wouldn’t work with the new furnace. (I blame it on computer software).

Then, when it all seemed OK and the men had left in their  truck, the thermostat wouldn’t work. The heat started going down again and I could not turn it up. So, some phone calls, then one of the men came back. He looked it over and installed a new simple thermostat which doesn’t have PeakSaver (the fatal flaw which kept it from heating up the house). So a bit of complications, construction and now the house feels like a place fit for human habitation again.

I didn’t feel much like writing when my hands were frozen and the rest of me was cowering under blankets. But, I did sew. There’s some irony in there, somewhere. I’ve set myself to make seven Christmas stockings. I want to get them done in time. I also want them to look nice, maybe even clever.

So that’s how my week has been going.

What would you write about your own week, if you were to write a short note about your week on impulse and without any planning ahead?

For Men Only?

Read & Trust– is committed to gathering together the best independent writers available – the ones recommended by the writers you read and trust.

It’s all men. Yet, there are endless women writing online.

Maybe we still aren’t taken all that seriously? I thought we had outgrown the time when all women bloggers were seen as personal or Mommy bloggers. Women are writing for impressive sites, have worked for important sites and start ups and successful projects of their own creation.

Note: I am not picking on men, or on Read&Trust. I just noticed there are no women on their list. I was surprised.